The Secret Ingredient To Marital Satisfaction

I still remember my wedding day as if it happened just yesterday. I was waiting for the ceremony to start. It was supposed to begin at 5 pm but started at 6:30 pm because we left the bouquets at home. For a moment, I thought my bride had gotten cold feet and left me hanging. It was a beautiful day; one of the things my wife and I continue to reflect on is that on our wedding day, we wanted to participate in the Lord’s supper as a newlywed couple. It was a memorable moment. Twelve years later, we have grown from a family of two to a family of five. Like most couples, my wife and I have gone through different horizontal stressors (e.g., buying a home, finishing graduate school, owning a business, and many others.)

My wife and I were young when we decided to vow our love to one another. We were just babies compared to the average age when folks are tying the knot nowadays. However, the more I reflect on my marriage, the more thankful I am for it. My marriage has made me a better man. You probably heard that the current population comprises only 49 percent of married folks.^{1, 2, 3} The divorce rate continues to be around 50 percent, and most people are getting married later in life. At one point, marriage was one of the first steps into adulthood. Now, it seems like it is one of the last. I understand the hesitation and wait. I have worked with hundreds of couples and done thousands of couples counseling sessions. Marriage is a challenging ride; it does have its ups and downs. However, what if I told you there might be a secret ingredient to a successful marriage?

I recently read an article about marital satisfaction. I was encouraged to note that faith-based couples report higher marital satisfaction than non-religious couples.⁴ The link between faith and marital satisfaction has been studied thoroughly. Multiple studies conclude that couples with solid faith have higher marital satisfaction, lower divorce rates, and more substantial commitment to the marriage.^{5, 6, 7, 8}

If we look at these results closely, faith-based couples do things that act as protective factors in the marriage. These couples pray for each other. In turn, they experience a higher level of marital satisfaction, a stronger bond, and lower levels of loneliness within their marriage.^{9, 10} In other studies, the researchers concluded that prayer for the spouse led to lower infidelity and higher trust levels.^{11, 12} In their meta-analysis of 37 studies, Cornelius-White and Kanmori¹³ concluded a positive link between prayer and overall relational health.

The research reminds me of what Dr. Miriam Parent (i.e., former professor at TEDS) told us in class one day: “One of the most intimate things a couple could do with each other was prayer.” Think about that: when we come to pray to God, we share our struggles, our lament, our dreams, and desires; we share our gratitude, and in the presence of our spouse, they hear those things. Praying with your spouse increases your relational map. You get to know them deeper, leading to higher marital satisfaction. Prayer is not the only contribution to marital satisfaction. Religious affiliation and church attendance also lead to marital satisfaction.

I was running a four-week series in a men’s group. The church invited all the men to come and participate via email. We have several new men joining the men’s group. One of the men in the group shared that his wife had seen the email and encouraged him to be part of the men’s group (not to say “made him do it.”) It appears that marriage leads to increased religiosity, reinforcing that marriage can deepen religious beliefs and practices in men and women.^{14, 15} However, couples who report higher marital satisfaction attend church regularly. What does church service promote in marriage?

The book Jesus the Great Philosopher by Jonathan Pennington suggests that one of the core messages of the Bible is human flourishing and true happiness.¹⁶ I agree; you see, it is not that marital satisfaction leads to stronger faith beliefs. Instead, one’s faith and belief in the core messages of the Bible transform us into a healthier, better version of ourselves. Seating in church service is more than just gathering with fellow believers (although that is important). It is also meant to challenge and transform us as we hear God’s word. Church attendance fosters generic caring behaviors for others, forgiveness, and social support, and it acts as a buffer for social, economic, and mental distress.^{17, 18, 19} What an excellent outcome.

As I think about my marriage and relationship with my wife, I am reminded daily to be Christlike in my behavior towards her. This means loving her well and keeping her interest in mind. It also means being genuinely committed to her and faithful, offering her grace and forgiveness daily, empowering her, and knowing her deeply (just as she does for me). Looking back on my wedding day, I would not only scream “I DO” again, but I would vow to take us to church, pray for her daily, and grow in our faith together. Here is the hopeful truth: Religion and spirituality are hidden treasures that can enrich your relationship in ways you might not initially realize, and when truly embraced, your relationship will flourish, and you will experience true happiness.

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