Some time ago, I sat in my office with a client who had lost a child during the holiday season. The grief that they felt was deep and pulsing. The pain of the significant loss was inconceivable and seemed unbearable. Never did they think that they would have to bury and say goodbye to their child. Many of us, if not all, as parents expect to meet our maker before our children. I was on a cruise with my family this holiday season, and as we sat to enjoy lunch, a conversation was started with a single mom and her daughter who shared their grief with us. Her husband died by suicide during COVID. The daughter was just a toddler when this happened. It has been hard for them. I have sat across many individuals who have lost friends, spouses, parents, siblings, and children. Christmas and other holidays are not the same for them. Every year, I read multiple social media posts from friends reminding others to be kind during the holidays, as we do not know who is grieving or going through a difficult season.
As you can imagine, this is such a great reminder. Different professional organizations (i.e., the American Counseling Association, American Association of Christian Counselors, and the American Psychological Association) all provide statements that the Holidays are extremely difficult for those grieving the loss of a loved one. Holidays are difficult because of the different emotions and feelings that meet the season. The realization that our loved one is no longer with us, the memories of them overwhelm us, and the grief that has been hidden deep within and not processed suddenly surge to the surface. We are engulfed with all the feelings, emotions, and memories. The expectations to gather with family, celebrate the holidays, and be happy can lead to distress and emotional pain. Are you the person who is experiencing this grief and pain? If so, you might wonder, can I also share the season’s joy amid my suffering and pain?
In my journey, I have understood the importance of integration. Integration is the ability to hold two realities simultaneously (Townsend, 1996). Life will offer us moments of great joy and happiness and moments of deep sadness, pain, and grief. The reality is that holding both positive and negative experiences is possible. When we practice integration, we can hold both realities without one taking over completely. In our grief, we can communicate the positive experiences of love, joy, and happiness with our loved ones while at the same time communicating about our negative experiences of grief, sadness, and loss. In this season of grief, we can accept the difficulty of the season while still seeing its beauty. Now, this is easier said than done. Experiencing joy might seem like a long shot. How can we know the beauty and joy when our pain is palpitating at every corner?
As mentioned before. We do not need to deny our emotions and feelings in our integration. As I read scripture, a theme that I see over and over is our ability to come to God in our rawness and express our feelings and emotions to Him (e.g., Job, Jeremiah, Hannah). We do not need to go to God fully edited but rather bold, and honest about our emotions. His love for us can hold our grief, pain, and suffering. The Apostle Paul reminds us that both suffering and joy can be intertwined. Amid his worst suffering (i.e., his imprisonment), he encouraged us to consider joy. In grief, we can feel joy in the memories of our loved ones while feeling the grief and sorrow as we see the empty chair. In my office, when processing grief, clients have often cried as they remember their loved one and moments later laugh and smile as they recall all the moments and memories.
The Apostle Paul reminds us that both suffering and joy can be intertwined. Amid his worst suffering (i.e., his imprisonment), he encouraged us to consider joy. In grief, we can feel joy in the memories of our loved ones while feeling the grief and sorrow as we see the empty chair.
In integration, we can accept the reality of our sins and the suffering of Christ on the Cross that Friday, the sadness of his death and absence on Saturday, the Joy of His resurrected Body on Sunday, and the daily hope that one day we will be reunited with Him. As we adapt to a life without the person(s) we love so much, we can accept the reality of their absence while walking with that same hope and joy.
Loss presents a big challenge, but to deny the feelings of loss turns our suffering into more profound pain. We know that we are emotional beings, and it is essential to recognize and validate our emotions. We can lament the situation and welcome joy. As the waves of grief come to this holiday season, practice integration. Here are some additional recommendations.
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Remember that God made us relational beings. Connect with people in your church, family, or friends who can hold space for your emotions this season. Consider running towards God (i.e., solitude) versus Isolation (i.e., Moving away from God and others). Consider joining a grief support group or attending a Blue Christmas Church Service (i.e., a church service sensitive to grieving people).
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Consider a ritual to remember your loved one in a meaningful way. I once worked with a client who, during the holidays, would make their loved one banana bread recipe and give it to friends, coworkers, and church leaders to remember their loved one. A ritual can be anything that makes sense to you, considering your culture and your faith.
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Remember that grieving is not “a one shoe fits all” type of thing or experience. We all grieve differently. Be kind to yourself and know that God is with you as the waves of grief come and go. Consider some self-care and know your limitations as you seek to practice integration.
Grief and the holiday season can be challenging for many. You are not alone. Please note that you are seen and heard. Psalm 34:18a states, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”
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Townsend, J. (1996). Hiding from love. Zondervan.