After seven months, Alice consented to attend a final counseling session with her husband, Brent, who had begged her to attempt marital therapy one more time. This was their third attempt at couples' counseling, not to mention the two marital enrichment workshops they had attended. Their first series of counseling sessions was with their pastor; the second was with a professional counselor in their community. Clearly, they had tried to fix their marriage, but nothing seemed to bear fruit as they'd hoped.

Immediately Alice told me that she was done with the marriage. She felt no love for her husband; it was killed, she said, by his intense "anger and harshness." She was sad, primarily because her children would be hurt by the impending divorce and because she would have a "failed marriage." She noted that she had no desire to spend time with Brent, adding that they had nothing in common and likely never did. She believed that her choices were to live in marital misery or to divorce.

Brent wanted to fix the marriage, but he admitted that he had already consulted with an attorney. He explained that he sought legal advice per the strong influence of his brother, who encouraged him to be informed about the process of divorce and to "protect his interests." He complained about how he "bent over backwards" to make Alice happy. "Nothing pleases her!" he said. "See—she is not invested in this relationship."

Alice and Brent both professed to be "born-again" Christians who were active members in their church. Both served as Awana leaders. Alice was a Sunday school teacher and Brent the church treasurer. They had been married for sixteen years, with three "wonderful" children, a twelve-year-old son, and nine- and eight-year-old daughters. It was clear, based on how they argued in my office, that their arguments had escalated into a hurtful exchange of accusations and insults.

Serious marital problems are an all-too-common phenomenon among Christian couples today. In fact, Christian couples are just as susceptible to divorce as secular couples. While the reasons for this should be discussed and examined, this article is not intended to review the concerns and reasons for the Christian divorce rate. Rather, its intention is to outline the common patterns of marital demise and to identify practical and effective strategies to restore a breaking or broken relationship.

Each couple develops a unique pattern of interacting. These patterns include well-functioning and not-so-well, or dysfunctional, interactions. Despite the uniqueness of each relationship, the road to marital demise often follows a common path. Couples at the point of divorce are often deeply involved in highly repetitive and dysfunctional patterns of interaction. It is typically assumed that complex long-term therapy is the only hope for a badly damaged relationship. This is not always the case. Surprisingly, small, simple efforts can produce positive, lasting changes in the marriage, turning a dying relationship into a surviving—even thriving—marriage.

Intervention #1:

Focus on what is good.

First, focus on what works, on what is positive and compatible about your marriage. Most distressed couples are consumed with their incompatibility, differences, and conflicts. If you listen to people when they talk about their marriages, what you hear amplified are the problems. How often do you hear someone "talking up" their marriage or spouse? It is rare. We fixate on our problems and issues, which discourage and depress us. Instead, consider and speak to what is good and works well. This can set your marriage in a positive direction.

Turning the negative thoughts around is hard. Consider this: we have greater control over thoughts and behaviors than over our feelings. If I asked you to remember your favorite childhood birthday present or a time when you did something nice for your mate, you could willfully comply with my request. However, if I asked you to feel an emotion, such as happiness or fear, you would probably struggle to will your emotions to comply. To stimulate your feelings I would have to create an experience that would elicit that particular feeling. Positive thoughts, however, could lay the foundation for a positive change in emotions.

Brent and Alice were stuck in the destructive pattern of negative thinking. Both could give a quick list of their dissimilarities and problems. She was a "free spirit" who loved to be spontaneous. He was a loyal, hardworking man who valued punctuality and dependability. He expected the same standards of others that he expected of himself. Brent viewed Alice's spontaneity as irresponsible and inconsiderate. Alice saw Brent's expectations as rigid and harsh. Their negative thoughts fueled their isolation and withdrawal. This needed to change.

When I asked Brent and Alice if they could identify any strengths or positives in their marriage, each struggled and stuttered to give an answer. So I gave them an assignment to come up with a list of seven qualities that they admired about each other and to share one admiration a day with the other. Though they initially deemed this task "corny," as they completed it their anger began to thaw. This came as a surprise to them, beginning a greater civility between them. The tide of their hurt and pain started to turn.

A prescription to begin to heal your relationship is to stop excessively focusing on what is wrong and to begin to focus on what works about your relationship and what you like or liked about your mate. Contemplate those attributes and affirm them to your spouse.

Intervention #2:

Take responsibility for change.

The second focus is to take positive action to repair the damage that inevitably occurs between spouses. Too often couples wait for time to heal wounds, or one spouse waits for the other to take positive steps to fix the relational rift. If both people wait for the problem to pass, the problem will last far longer than is necessary. The sooner you take action to make a change, the sooner the problem will be resolved.

A change in you will impact those who are intimately involved with you. Whether they consider how your changes impact them or not, they have to respond differently because you have changed. Relationship exchanges are altered when one person makes a shift in how he or she interacts. When you take responsibility for a change in your behavior, you will likely force a change in the relationship.

Simply assigning—and even accepting—blame for the problem will not solve the problem. You must take action to create a resolution of the problem, regardless of your fault. We do not like to take the blame, let alone take responsibility to fix what is broken. This was evident early in history. Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and Christ restored what was broken. Christ took responsibility for what he had no fault in causing.

This seems unfair to many of the couples with whom I have worked. It is. Resist getting bitter about the unfairness. Bitterness is a contaminant. It will spoil even good deeds. Therefore, when taking responsibility for change, accept the unfairness and refuse to grow bitter.

To help identify what you can do, consider a time when the problem did not exist. What was different during that period of time? What was done then that is not done now? Take into account your own behavior, specifically what you were doing when the problem did not exist. Then do what you used to do. Remember—you can change yourself, not your spouse. It is about what you will do differently.

Brent is a good example. He realized that he was less intense earlier in the relationship, specifically when they were dating. Therefore, Brent took the initiative to lessen his intensity, seeking to be kind and gentle. This change caught Alice's attention and stimulated her own thoughts about what she could do to improve their marriage. She took a greater interest in Brent's work and expressed her appreciation for his dedication. This was the first time both felt hope for the marriage.

In my counseling practice, I occasionally hear someone say, "My marriage has never been good." If this is the case, imagine that right now God grants your marriage a miracle, and your marriage becomes all you have desired. What would change? How would you be different because of this change? Then do what would be different about you! Remember, you can only change yourself.

When I asked Alice what her marriage miracle would be, she said that she wished God would make Brent a more relaxed and pleasant husband. Alice added that if Brent were more relaxed and pleasant, she would be inclined to interact with him more, even to touch him. I asked if she could do this. She relented, and, much to her surprise, not only did she talk with and touch him more, but she was not bothered by doing it, as she thought she would be. Brent said that this encouraged him to become more relaxed, and Alice actually described him as more pleasant.

Take responsibility to do something different for your marriage by changing yourself. Stay away from tasks that are too difficult to do, and keep things simple. It is not necessary to take a vacation to Hawaii when attentive time is all that is needed. You could vacation in Hawaii and still fail to do the simple actions your spouse desires or that would make the difference in your marriage.

Intervention #3:

Listen, validate, and experience.

Another important marital technique is to listen well. You are likely familiar with good listening techniques. In these techniques the listener paraphrases back to the speaker what was heard. When the speaker affirms the accuracy of the paraphrase, effective communication is achieved. Called "reflective listening," this technique does work but lacks the depth of what most speakers desire from their intimate partners. In fact, for some this form of paraphrased listening can be annoying.

The speaker wants to know that the listener understands why she feels and thinks the way she does. For example, a sad and angry wife wants her feelings to be understood as valid, beyond simply being heard. She wants to know that her husband legitimizes her feelings, that her emotions are expected and normal for the experience or context. The husband would likely respond, "It makes sense why you would be sad and angry, given what happened." This is a deeper form of listening called "empathy." Empathy comes as I imagine myself in my spouse's experience, or as I imagine myself as my spouse receiving my response. In the former, I place my feet in my spouse's shoes to gain a greater understanding and appreciation for her experience. In the latter, I consider how she might desire me to respond to her experience.

Alice was angry and hurt that Brent worked long hours as an accountant. She explained that for years she wondered if his work was more important than her or their children. Brent would become angry when she complained about his absence. He argued that all his hard work was for her and the children. He wondered to himself why she could not see his hard work as love. I asked Brent if he could tell me what Alice really wanted from him when she complained about his absence. Initially, this was hard for him to understand. He believed that she wanted to do more things as a family. This was not exactly accurate. When I conveyed to him that she really had missed him for years, she began to weep.

Brent was pierced by Alice's emotional display. For the first time, he understood the depth of her struggles with him relationally. She had longed for him and began to lose hope that she could ever get him. He was shaken as he realized how much and for how long she had longed for and fought to be with him. At this point, as they sat on the couch, Brent turned to Alice and held her. It was a profoundly intimate moment as both cried and embraced. Brent said that he was sorry that he had not understood, and Alice told him that she loved him and always truly desired to be close to him. The anger between them had finally melted. This was the big breakthrough and turning point in their treatment. From this point on, both were fully committed to making the marriage work.

In the weeks of counseling that followed, Brent and Alice's relational change was clear. There was talk about their future, plans for their relationship and kids. They often held hands and laughed, even about their trials and difficulties. There was an understanding and commitment to their love—and no further talk of divorce.

This is empathy. It is the depth of listening that validates the speaker's perspective and experiences the person's feelings. Empathy has the power to soften anger and build intimacy.

Alice and Brent's story is a common one. Through the steps I've outlined above, a likely divorce was averted, and their relationship began to be as they had always hoped. If you and your spouse are considering divorce, if your marriage seems beyond hope, know this: you can rebuild your marriage from the rubble. Whatever your marital struggle, God desires your healing and reconciliation. Focus on what is good about your relationship, take responsibility to change your struggles, and listen to and empathize with your partner. Finally, be willing to seek professional help from someone who has additional training and experience working with troubled marriages.

*Alice and Brent are a fictional couple based on many couples I've counseled.

Keith V. Bjorge (BA '83), PsyD, has been a professional counselor for eighteen years. He is assistant professor of counseling at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He joined the faculty in 1998. Dr. Bjorge practices clinical psychology in Lake Zurich, Illinois, in affiliation with the Cherry Hill Center. He earned the Bachelor of Arts in psychology and biblical studies from Trinity College and the Master of Arts and the Doctor of Psychology in clinical psychology from the Illinois School of Professional Psychology.

Responding to Divorce: Q&A with Dr. Keith Bjorge